- Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to
say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
- The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
- How come when it's us, it's an abortion, and when it's a chicken, it's an omelet?
- Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.
has convinced people that there’s an invisible man…living in the sky,
who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the
invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to
do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special
place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to
live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money.
- If it requires a uniform, it’s a worthless endeavor.
- By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
- Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
- Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
- I don’t like to think of laws as rules you have to follow, but more as suggestions.
if you read history, you realize that God is one of the leading causes
of death. Has been for thousands of years. Hindus, Muslims, Jews,
Christians all taking turns killing each other 'cause God told them it
was a good idea. The sword of God, the blood of the land, vengeance is
mine. Millions of dead motherfuckers. Millions of dead motherfuckers all
because they gave the wrong answer to the God question. 'You believe in
God?' 'No.' Boom. Dead. 'You believe in God?' 'Yes.' 'You believe in my
God? 'No.' Boom. Dead. 'My God has a bigger dick than your God!'
- When you’re born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in America, you get a front-row seat.
I say, “Live and let live.” That’s my motto. “Live and let live.”
Anyone who can’t go along with that, take him outside and shoot the
motherfucker. It’s a simple philosophy, but it’s always worked in our
- I love and treasure individuals as I meet them; I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.
- What year did Jesus think it was?
- George Washington’s brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country.
- In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.
- Property is theft. Nobody “owns” anything. When you die, it all stays here.
- The planet is fine. The people are fucked.
real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse:
You cannot post “Thou shalt not steal,” “Thou shalt not commit
adultery,” and “Thou shalt not lie” in a building full of lawyers,
judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment
- It’s called the American Dream, 'cause you have to be asleep to believe it.
people seem to have been indoctrinated to believe that bullshit only
comes from certain places, certain sources: advertising, politics,
salesmen – not true. Bullshit is everywhere. Bullshit is rampant.
Parents are full of shit, teachers are full of shit, clergymen are full
of shit, and law enforcement people are full...of...shit - this entire
country. This entire country is completely full of shit, and always has
been. From the Declaration of Independence to the Constitution to the
Star-Spangled Banner, it's still nothing more than one big steaming pile
of red, white and blue, all-American bullshit. Because, think of how we
started. Think of that. This country was founded by a group of slave-owners who
told us all men are created equal. Oh yeah, all men, except for Indians
and niggers and women, right? I always like to use that authentic
American language. This was a small group of unelected, white, male,
land-holding, slave-owners who also suggested their class be the only
one allowed to vote. Now, that is what's known as being stunningly and embarrassingly full
of shit. And I think Americans really show their ignorance when they
say they want their politicians to be honest. What are these fuckin'
cretins talking about? If honesty were suddenly introduced into American
life, the whole system would collapse!
- Thou shalt keep thy religion to thyself.
- Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client?
- Just think, right now as you read this, some guy somewhere is gettin’ ready to hang himself.
- The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it.
- Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
- Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics ought to be told not
- I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.
- It isn’t fair: the caterpillar does all the work, and the butterfly gets all the glory.
- Inside every cynical person is a disappointed idealist.
- Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.
5,000 years ago a bunch of religious and political hustlers got
together to try to figure out how to control people, how to keep them in
line. They knew people were basically stupid and would believe anything
they were told, so they announced that God had given them some
commandments, up on a mountain, when no one was around... God had given
them the Ten Commandments. Well let me ask you this- when they were
making this shit up, why did they pick ten? Why not nine, or eleven?
I'll tell you why- because ten sounds official. Ten sounds important!
Ten is the basis for the decimal system, it's a decade, it's a
psychologically satisfying number, the top ten, the ten most wanted, the
ten best dressed. So having ten commandments was really a marketing
decision. And it's clearly a bullshit list. It's a political document,
artificially inflated to sell better.
- Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
- I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It's so fuckin' heroic.
- Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm
not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. These two
institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together
is certain death.
don't like ass kissers, flag wavers or team players. I like people who
buck the system. Individualists. I often warn people: "Somewhere along
the way, someone is going to tell you, 'There is no "I" in team.' What
you should tell them is, 'Maybe not. But there is an "I" in
independence, individuality and integrity.'" Avoid teams at all cost.
Keep your circle small. Never join a group that has a name. If they say,
"We're the so and sos," take a walk. And if, somehow, you must join, if
it's unavoidable, such as a union or a trade association, go ahead and
join. But don't participate; it will be your death. And if they tell you
you're not a team player, congratulate them on being observant.
- I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
- I used to be Irish Catholic; Now I'm an American. You know, you grow.
or later, the people in this country are gonna realize the government
does not give a fuck about them! The government doesn't care about you,
or your children, or your rights, or your welfare or your safety. It
simply does not give a fuck about you! It's interested in its own power.
That's the only thing. Keeping it and expanding it wherever possible.
- When it comes to God's existence, I'm not an atheist and I'm not an agnostic- I'm an acrostic, the whole thing puzzles me
want to tell you things you can't say because they're against the law,
or you can't say this because it's against a regulation, or here's
something you can't say because its a...secret; "You can't tell
him that because he's not cleared to know that." Government wants to
control information and control language because that's the way you
control thought, and basically that's the game they're in.
people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people
have to go to work and don't have time for all that shit.
call him Governor Bush because that's the only political office he's
ever held legally in this country. I don't care where they hang his
portrait, I don't care how big his library is. To me, he'll always be
"Governor Bush." I don't even capitalize his name when I type it
a while, I thought of myself as an atheist until I realized it was a
belief, too. It's a shame everything has to have a label.
was in 1951, when I was 14, when grass swept the neighborhood. We
hadn't been into grass before, we were into gang fighting, and wine and
beer in the park, and punching the shit out of people, and having
jackets with your name, and your girls were your 'debs', and you had
turf, and all that dumb shit, and we would get into fights over
girls...and then pot came along and gang fighting went away. In one
semester, in shop class, all the guys went from making zip guns to hash
- Don't give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you.
really haven't seen this many people in one place since they took the
group photographs of all the criminals and lawbreakers in the Ronald
public Christmas displays: At some point, someone who worked at
Rockefeller Center must have said, "Boys, I have a great idea for
Christmas. Let's kill a beautiful tree that's been alive for
seventy-five years and bring it to New York City. We'll stand it up in
Rockefeller Plaza and conceal its natural beauty by hanging shiny,
repulsive, man-made objects on it, and let it stand there slowly dying
for several weeks while simpleminded children stare at it and people
from Des Moines take pictures of it. That way, perhaps we can add our
own special, obscene imprint to Christmas in Midtown."
the old American Double Standard, ya know: Say one thing, do somethin'
different. And of course this country is founded on the double standard,
that's our history! We were founded on a very basic double standard:
This country was founded by slave owners who wanted to be free.
- Let me get a sip of water here...you figure this stuff is safe to drink? [audience yells "No"] Actually, I don't care, I drink it anyway. You know why? 'Cause I'm an American and I expect a
little cancer in my food and water. I'm a loyal American and I'm not
happy unless I let government and industry poison me a little bit every
- Religion is just trying to control your mind.
greedy, well-fed white people have invented a language to conceal their
sins. It's as simple as that. The CIA doesn't kill anybody anymore,
they neutralize people, or they depopulate the area. The government doesn't lie, it engages in disinformation. The Pentagon actually measures nuclear radiation in something they call sunshine units. Contra killers are called freedom fighters. Well, if crime fighters fight crime, and firefighters fight fires, what do freedom fighters fight?
do not torture animals, and I do not support the torture of animals,
such as that which goes on at rodeos: cowardly men in big hats abusing
simple beasts in a fruitless search for manhood. In fact, I regularly
pray for serious, life-threatening rodeo injuries. I wish for a cowboy
to walk crooked, and with great pain, for the rest of his life.
say rather than cursing the darkness, one should light a candle. They
don't mention anything about cursing a lack of candles.
to balance the scale, I'd like to talk about some things that bring us
together, things that point out our similarities instead of our
differences. 'Cause that's all you ever hear about in this country. It's
our differences. That's all the media and the politicians are ever
talking about--the things that separate us, things that make us
different from one another. That's the way the ruling class operates in
any society. They try to divide the rest of the people. They keep the
lower and the middle classes fighting with each other so that they, the
rich, can run off with all the fucking money! Fairly simple thing.
Happens to work. You know? Anything different--that's what they're gonna
talk about--race, religion, ethnic and national background, jobs,
income, education, social status, sexuality, anything they can do to
keep us fighting with each other, so that they can keep going to the
bank! You know how I define the economic and social classes in this
country? The upper class keeps all of the money, pays none of the taxes.
The middle class pays all of the taxes, does all of the work. The poor
are there just to scare the shit out of the middle class. Keep 'em
showing up at those jobs.
there's no God, but there might be some sort of an organizing
intelligence, and I think to understand it is way beyond our ability.
It's certainly not a judgmental entity. It's certainly not paternalistic
and all these qualities that have been attributed to God. It's probably
a dispassionate... That's why I say, "Suppose He doesn't give a shit?
Suppose there is a God but He just doesn't give a shit?" That's the kind
of thing that might be at work.
fascism comes to America, it will not be in brown and black shirts. It
will not be with jack-boots. It will be Nike sneakers and Smiley shirts …
Germany lost the Second World War. Fascism won it. Believe me, my
things that matter in this country have been reduced in choice, there
are two political parties, there are a handful insurance companies,
there are six or seven information centers...but if you want a bagel
there are 23 flavors. Because you have the illusion of choice.
- I gave up on this stuff. I gave up on my species and ... I gave up on my countrymen. Because I think we squandered great gifts. I think humans were given great great gifts: walking upright, binocular vision, opposable thumb, large brain ... We grew. We had great gifts, and we gave it all up for both money and God ... We gave it all up to superstition, primitive superstition, primitive shit ... Invisible man in the sky, looking down, keeping track of what we do, make sure we don't do the wrong thing, if we do, he puts us in hell, where we burn forever. That kind of shit is very limiting for this brain we have. So we keep ourselves limited. And then we want a toy and a gizmo and gold and we want shiny things, and we want something to plug in that will make big big big things for us... And all that shit is nothing! It's nothing.
As an added bonus, here is one of George's most famous performances;
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